I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
