so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
