if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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