new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
