What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
