i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize