mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You took a bar mat shot.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
