Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
