A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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