we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
