I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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