Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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