I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
