drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
