true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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