I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
