Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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