i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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