If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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