Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
