just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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