when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
