I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I touched a dick in church today
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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