So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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