My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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