Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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