Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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