My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
