I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
