just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
