I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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