I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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