Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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