my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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