he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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