There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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