Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
