i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
