the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wish there were birth control emojis
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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