FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize