I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
