I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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