I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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