I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
