This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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