Can i not drive my cunt home
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
