4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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