Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
