MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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