oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
