allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
