Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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