i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
