So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
