My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
